September 4, 2012

Hi there,
It's been awhile since I've had a chance to really sit and think on what has happened over the last 6 weeks.  I am a full blown mommy in every sense of the word and loving every moment of it.  I can't believe how much Lansing grows and changes every single day.  It's amazing to watch his awareness of his environment enhance...to watch him smile more frequently, see his little arms and legs move vigorously as he coos and looks around the room, and to see him notice the pups for the first time, all of it is priceless.  He loves to sit in our lap and look over our head to stare at a painting on the wall above our couch.  Robert and I wonder what it is that he sees and to think about how that single painting must change for him each day.  I'm sure every parent wonders what it is our little ones are thinking about, dreaming about, experiencing at each moment.  It's one of the biggest thrills of being a mommy.  Lansing is getting more active and getting better at showing us his likes and dislikes, although that too changes rather quickly.  One day he doesn't like his swing, the next day he'll only be happy in his swing.  It's so neat to watch this little being grow into his own person in such a short amount of time.  I can tell he is already familiar and very comfortable with his Grammy's and Grampa G.  I love when they say, "yes that's your mommy, but I'm over here."  I never dreamt that we would all be vying for the attention of this little 9 pound boy who carries all of our hearts in this tiny little hand.  Lansing, you will never know the joy and hope you have given to all of us.  Without you, my world wouldn't be as bright as it is and I would never have the strength I do to carry on with the perseverance that I have.  I'm truly the luckiest woman in the world and wouldn't change one second of it.

As for chemo, I've been receiving treatments on a weekly basis.  Wednesdays are dooms day, but I'm getting through it. Only 5 weeks left.  I've been receiving a booster shot (what I call it anyway) that boosts my immune system/white blood count to ensure I can stay on schedule with my treatments each week.  The shot causes flu like symptoms and makes my bones ache the first couple days after treatment.  I pretty much stay feeling tired, cranky, and nauseous.  I'll be glad when this is all over.  I'm starting to lose my numbness to the grind of it all.  For a long time I just went through the motions doing what I was told trusting it was the best and only option for me.  Now, I still trust it's the best and only option for me but I'm tired of being sick and tired.  I hope when this is all said and done I bounce back very quickly so that I can begin living a full life again.  I feel like a prisoner in my own life and taking care of my little one is my only, wonderful, distraction.  I am losing my patience with myself too.  I think being pregnant I was easier on myself with the things that I didn't like or would make me uneasy because it was for the greater good "to ensure I had a healthy baby."  Now that Lansing is here, I'm not too easy on myself.  I hate having this weight to lose (that won't budge while getting chemo) and although my hair is starting to grow and fill in, it's not fast enough for me.  I'm thinking that if I lay out my feelings, I'll recognize how foolish I'm being and put things back into perspective.  It pains me to feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror and am not totally sure I'll ever see that person again.  I just wish I could so that I have the second chance to be much nicer to that girl...I was always so harsh and critical of myself.  I know I'm not the only one, we all do these things to ourselves.  But take it from me, until you lose things about yourself that are out of control, only then do you really start to appreciate what you had.  Unfortunately it's true, you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone...I'm going to do better from now on.

I use this forum to vent and in my mind I pretend I'm the only one who will ever read this but the reality is, I hope others do read this and can in some way relate to me and take away something that will add positivity to their lives.  If you are reading this, I ask of you one thing, please ensure you are giving yourself regular breast exams or getting your annual mammograms and urge your loved ones to do the same.  In the last 2 weeks someone very dear to me discovered they too have triple negative breast cancer, stage 1 (thank god).  It was only through the mammogram that she was able to find the cancer and treat it immediately.  We all know someone who has suffered from this stupid, retched disease, so please help you or a loved one catch it early and fight it!

Peace & love,
Misty