Thursday, July 26, 2012

Welcome to the World Robert Lansing Porter IV

On Friday, July 20th at 1:35pm, my precious Lansing arrived safe and sound into the arms of Robert and I. Lansing weighed in at 6 lbs, 8 oz., 19 inches long. My life will never be the same, never did I know a happiness this grand. He was wide awake from his first moments and has been showering us with smiles and joy since.

The moments before Lansing's arrival Robert and I were just starring at each other, holding the one hand that I had free.  The blue curtain kept us from seeing what the doctors were doing on the other side. The anaesthesiologist gave Robert the heads up that Lansing was about to make his first appearance so Robert stood up.  I was anxiously starring at him and I could see the anxiety in Robert's face trying to make sure that I was okay and that his baby was going to be okay.  Then I saw the look that I'll never forget, Robert's first glance of Lansing, we both had tearing rolling down our faces and the greatest sense of relief overwhelmed me.  Robert then looked down and said, "He's perfect."  After those first few minutes, it's blurry.  The nurses took Lansing to clean him up and Robert was going back and forth between me and the baby.  The first report back to me was, "He has my hands!" and the second, "Misty, he's adorable, the bluest eyes I've ever seen."  After nearly 5 months of carrying a child and receiving treatment for the cancer I was diagnosed with at 20 weeks of my first pregnancy, I never dreamt in a million years it was possible for me to have a perfectly healthy baby.  To see my baby for the first time and when I asked, is he okay, is everything okay?  And to hear the nurses confirm that he was perfect, I think I almost died of relief.  I think I've been holding my breath for 5 months without acknowledging it to anyone not even myself.  But here I am with my son and not only is he perfect, he's ours and he's happy, peaceful even.  Thank you for the millions of prayers, we felt them. 

I've now officially been a mommy for 6 days.  I feel like my life has been sprinkled with pixie dust because everything is just better.  I never expected motherhood to be easy, but I never expected to enjoy every second of it the way that I do.  Even the sleeplessness is tolerable, you still find yourself giggling at them at 5am when your eyes are crossed preparing his bottle, because he's so ridiculously adorable, funny even and I look forward to those 20 minutes of cuddling while he eats.  Had I known this is what motherhood was like, I'd probably done this a long time ago.  I want to savor every moment, breathe in every scent, watch every facial expression.  I've fallen in love with Robert even more watching him care for us.  He stepped in to his new role as a father so seamlessly.  While in the hospital Robert took over and did everything, it was amazing to watch.  Lansing looks so tiny in Robert's large hands, it's precious how gingerly Robert handles him like he could break.  I'm so blessed for my boys.  Now that I'm home it's been so nice to have all of us together, Robert, Lansing and my wonderful pups Charlie & Roxi. 

We have lots of adjusting to do.   Robert and I have been sleeping in the living room since coming home from the hospital on Monday.  The pups sleep on the chair, Robert on the couch, me in my "sick chair" and Lansing in his nap nanny in his pack-n-play.  I feel like we are camping but it's awesome, did I mention everything is awesome :0).  Hopefully by next week, I'll be able to get around easier so I can go up and down the stairs more and introduce Lansing to his crib and mommy & daddy to our bed again.  It's definitely something we'll laugh about later.
I have 6 days until I start back with chemo full force. I'm going to enjoy every second before then.

 Love to all my family and friends.  Thank you so much for visiting us in the hospital and since we've been home! It was soooo wonderful to have so many of our loved ones shower Lansing with kisses and hugs during his first few days on this earth.  Here are some pictures from our hospital stay and some of Lansing's first experiences since leaving the hospital.
Sweet boy

Proud Mommy

Proud Daddy

Happy baby
Aunt Tessa

Grammy Arnold

Grammy Porter

Uncle Wade & Justin

Porter Grandkids (Patrick, Henry, Abby & Lansing)

View from Hospital Room

On our way home--Crossing bridge to KY 7.23.12

1st doctor's appointment 7.25.12

Peace & Much Love,

Saturday, July 14, 2012


Where to place all the emotions that are filling my head??  I have so many worries about what it's going to be like to have a little guy at home, combined with weekly chemo treatments and trying to remain sane with the fluctuating hormones.  I know how to be pregnant with cancer, but I don't know how to be a mom with cancer.  I have a mantra that I often repeat to myself when I'm overwhelmed even by the simplest tasks like cleaning my house, take one room at a time, or one day at a time, one minute at a time....whatever suites the need at the time.  I'm trying to remind myself of this as I sit and wait for next week.  I've had so much time to myself lately that I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last several months and what not only I've gone through but my family and friends.  It's odd that I'm just now allowing myself to go there, but for the first time, I'm trying to acknowledge what it must be like to be in the shoes of those that are so close to me and what they have had to deal with in this situation.  What is my husband feeling dealing with a wife who has cancer and is carrying his child?  My parents whose child has cancer at 30 and can do nothing to help their child. This hits home more than ever as I approach motherhood.  My dear siblings and friends, what is it like to cope with a sibling or friend who has cancer?  If I try to put myself in their shoes just in thought, I can't breathe.  I don't ever want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.  I know myself and I internalize most situations, so something as profound as this, I would definitely be making it something I would think about on a daily basis, if not more, and see what it is that I'm supposed to be taking from this experience...well, since I'm the one sitting in the hot seat, I'm still trying to figure out this piece of the puzzle.  Why me, what is the big picture, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  I feel like I'm failing to learn any lesson up to this point.  I have been literally living in the moment to try to preserve energy and stay sane so I haven't allowed myself to think too deep about my situation.  There's too much to do, too little time and much too little energy to get everything done in time for Lansing's arrival.  Those first couple of weeks after the diagnosis, the emotions overtake you, the fear can paralyze you, but after treatment starts, you go through the motions.  It's almost numbing, and sort of relieving to have something to just do that is supposed to make it better in the long run.  It's strange how the physical pain has replaced the emotional pain.  I'd much rather have the physical pain these days than the latter.  I'm not that tough, so this is new to me.  I've been fearful that if I really tap into how I "feel" then I might not be able to maintain my positive focus that all is well.  Maybe my ah-ha moment  is something that I'll learn years from now, maybe it's the wonderful people that have come into my life through this experience, or maybe it's the cementing of the existing relationships I've had that are now so much more today than I could have ever imagined before.  Something interesting has happened more than once where I've had someone tell me about a challenging situation they have encountered recently and typically it would be something that they'd waste a lot of energy being upset about even though they do not have the ability to actually change the outcome, but with a quick thought of my situation, they have been able to focus on what they can change/influence and move forward or beyond the challenge.  That's pretty neat, I'm definitely not taking credit for anything, but if my crappy situation can help someone else see the good in theirs, amen.
I will continue to believe in good ole divine timing. I truly believe everything happens just the way it is supposed to, the good, bad and ugly, all of it.  I can't switch up my belief system just because I don't currently like it. But to get to have a miracle in the middle of this mess, has to be divine timing, right?  Who knows where my mental state would have been without being pregnant? 

Enough reflecting for one day, now to pack hospital bags and continue to prepare for the baby! 

Peace & Love,

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Nursery

Hi there,
It's unbelievable to me that a week from tomorrow I'm going to have a son. I keep going through the waves of emotion that start with pure joy, excitement and thrill and turn directly into pure fear! lol  I'm so ready for Lansing's arrival, yet it's one of those experiences in life that you can only prepare for mentally, logistically, etc. so far and then real life just is going to take over.  So the planner in me has to just move over and embrace the unknown.  It's also strange to have a house full of all these baby items and to wonder what it's going to be like to have a live being using them because right now they seem like props for a fictitious movie or something. 
As much as I can't wait for my baby boy, I have to admit I'm soooo excited to have my body to myself and no chemo for a solid 10 days.  This is something I haven't experienced in a very long time.  Trust me, I've been told every horror story and all the yuck that comes directly after delivering your baby, but for those who haven't been in my shoes, just to worry about one being at a time is going to be glorious.  Or at least I can physically tend to my baby rather than just sitting around worrying about him, not able to do anything for him.  A new chapter is about to begin and I can't believe that it's so close that I can taste it! 

I wanted to post pictures of Lansing's nursery.  I'm not a decorator by any stretch nor a photographer, so bear with me.  I think it's a nice start especially not knowing the little guy.  I wanted to create a fun, relaxing space that he would be comfortable in but not too defining so we can switch it up easily as he gets older and has an opinion of his own.

Lansing's name was made for me by my best friend Leslie. I love how it sets the tone to the room.

My girlfriends each gave a book to Lansing during my first they are easily accessible and displayed along with several other cubes filled with clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. 
The adorable owl was made by my cousin Clare.
The Texas hat is a memento Robert and I picked up for Lansing to remind us of our trip to MD Anderson and eventually to remind us how far we've come.
The adorable pinwheels were decorations provided by The Sunday Flower (you can find her on Facebook and Etsy).

Bunting Banner provided by Cristin of Hazelnut Designs (find her on Etsy).
My mom got the awesome "Family Rules" sign that I had been eyeballing for months. These are truly the life lessons to live by.

Love the adorable crib, so cute and still perfect for a little boy.
The beautiful blanket was handcrafted by my dear friend Alex.
Bumper is from Land of Nod
Charlie's at the bottom of the picture scoping out the new furniture.

Love the sunshine light fixture, mostly because Robert picked it for the room :0)  Thanks Dad for installing!

Peace & Love,