Reflecting

Where to place all the emotions that are filling my head??  I have so many worries about what it's going to be like to have a little guy at home, combined with weekly chemo treatments and trying to remain sane with the fluctuating hormones.  I know how to be pregnant with cancer, but I don't know how to be a mom with cancer.  I have a mantra that I often repeat to myself when I'm overwhelmed even by the simplest tasks like cleaning my house, take one room at a time, or one day at a time, one minute at a time....whatever suites the need at the time.  I'm trying to remind myself of this as I sit and wait for next week.  I've had so much time to myself lately that I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last several months and what not only I've gone through but my family and friends.  It's odd that I'm just now allowing myself to go there, but for the first time, I'm trying to acknowledge what it must be like to be in the shoes of those that are so close to me and what they have had to deal with in this situation.  What is my husband feeling dealing with a wife who has cancer and is carrying his child?  My parents whose child has cancer at 30 and can do nothing to help their child. This hits home more than ever as I approach motherhood.  My dear siblings and friends, what is it like to cope with a sibling or friend who has cancer?  If I try to put myself in their shoes just in thought, I can't breathe.  I don't ever want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.  I know myself and I internalize most situations, so something as profound as this, I would definitely be making it something I would think about on a daily basis, if not more, and see what it is that I'm supposed to be taking from this experience...well, since I'm the one sitting in the hot seat, I'm still trying to figure out this piece of the puzzle.  Why me, what is the big picture, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  I feel like I'm failing to learn any lesson up to this point.  I have been literally living in the moment to try to preserve energy and stay sane so I haven't allowed myself to think too deep about my situation.  There's too much to do, too little time and much too little energy to get everything done in time for Lansing's arrival.  Those first couple of weeks after the diagnosis, the emotions overtake you, the fear can paralyze you, but after treatment starts, you go through the motions.  It's almost numbing, and sort of relieving to have something to just do that is supposed to make it better in the long run.  It's strange how the physical pain has replaced the emotional pain.  I'd much rather have the physical pain these days than the latter.  I'm not that tough, so this is new to me.  I've been fearful that if I really tap into how I "feel" then I might not be able to maintain my positive focus that all is well.  Maybe my ah-ha moment  is something that I'll learn years from now, maybe it's the wonderful people that have come into my life through this experience, or maybe it's the cementing of the existing relationships I've had that are now so much more today than I could have ever imagined before.  Something interesting has happened more than once where I've had someone tell me about a challenging situation they have encountered recently and typically it would be something that they'd waste a lot of energy being upset about even though they do not have the ability to actually change the outcome, but with a quick thought of my situation, they have been able to focus on what they can change/influence and move forward or beyond the challenge.  That's pretty neat, I'm definitely not taking credit for anything, but if my crappy situation can help someone else see the good in theirs, amen.
I will continue to believe in good ole divine timing. I truly believe everything happens just the way it is supposed to, the good, bad and ugly, all of it.  I can't switch up my belief system just because I don't currently like it. But to get to have a miracle in the middle of this mess, has to be divine timing, right?  Who knows where my mental state would have been without being pregnant? 

Enough reflecting for one day, now to pack hospital bags and continue to prepare for the baby! 

Peace & Love,
Misty