Happy two months Lansing!!

Here's a couple pics of my little one...I cannot believe he's two months old!

Peace & Love,
Misty

Round Twelve

Hi there,
Today mom and I went for my twelfth chemo treatment.  We started our weekly ritual by leaving the baby boy with my dad for their "boy bonding day" and mom and I headed to breakfast.  Afterwards we get a HUGE fountain diet Mt. Dew and head to the treatment center.  Today was an unusual day at the facility, typically the 15 chairs are filled with patients and their guests end up standing around their loved one or sitting on the tiny tables next to each recliner us patients sit in while getting our IVs.  My poor mom has resorted to bringing a "butt pad" to sit on one those days because it's a long day to have to sit on a tiny table that's meant for a drink and maybe a snack.  I hate when she has to do that...Today there were only 5 other patients max and I received my treatment in under 4 hours! And mom got to sit in a recliner alongside of me for the entirety!  My white blood counts were lower than usual so they reduced my taxol amounts by a fraction and I got the good ole booster shot that hurts like 10 bee stings but all in all the day was a success, mom and I got to chat about our favorite reality shows we are addicted to and laugh until our bellies hurt...our chemo treat is a small bag of jelly bellies (kid mix).  Post baby, we've been trying not to bring a smorgasbord of candy and treats to help with getting this baby weight off, so we've reduced to a proportioned snack bag and healthy treats.  Hilarious how we are getting this date day to chemo down to a science with only a month left.  I LOVE these days with my mom.  She somehow makes me forget what we are doing and where we are and I can laugh and enjoy my day with my mom.  It's this support that keeps me going, keeps me sane and most of all, happy.  Thank you Mom, you are the best mom a girl could ask for.  Because we got out of chemo early I was able to hang out with my parents for a little while afterwards (usually I race home so that I am at home with the baby before the symptoms start to come on).  I had an awesome surprise when I got to see both my sister Tess and brother Ross!  I hardly ever get to see them and for it to be on the dreaded chemo day was an added plus!  I also got a phone call from my brother Wade while at treatment!

After getting home I started to feel like crap pretty quickly.  I'm so tired and weak.  The shoulder pain is always quick to start, but my toes are starting to ache pretty bad...sounds petty, but when you are trying to relax and if I'm lucky, sleep, this is the most annoying pain in the world.  I'm thinking if I can keep my focus on other things (like writing this blog) I can forget the physical pain.  Like I said yesterday, I'm losing my patience and tolerance of going through this.  I read in the beginning of receiving treatment in some brochure they have lying around at the treatment facility that people have a tough time with chemo in their last weeks of treatment for several reasons, one: the treatment has a cumulative affect, two: (which was surprising to me) because people get exhausted both physically and mentally with the process.  I had imagined that when you get close to the finish line you would get the endorphins to see it through, but I'm learning otherwise.  It's okay, thank god for my husband, baby, immediate family and friends that keep me happy when I'm with them.  Also, we just invested in Netflix and I'm loving it!  I had no idea there was soooo much on there.  Did I mention I've become a total TV junkie (which I HATE) but there is a lot of time to pass these days and I have to find some way to deal with it.  If you don't have Netflix, definitely worth checking it out.  Another awesome distraction I have these days are two of my dear friends are getting married!!!! Brooke and Lauren!!  I get to help them search for decor ideas, dresses, jewelry (my very favorite) while Lansing is sleeping.  I don't get to be with either of them as much as I want to be, so this is my way of feeling a part of their experience and help them in a way that is conducive to my unpredictable life..hope it's helping anyway ;0)

I have a shout out I'd like to give to my BF Leslie, she is giving a presentation on Friday at the Stock Piling Moms conference about crafting and how to get started.  For many of us Pinterest has been such an awesome tool to get creative and get ideas how to do pretty much anything that you want, but in a way that may be a tad (or a lot) better than what you may have come up with on your own.  Leslie is teaching women how to do this and to show you that's it's not impossible for even those who feel craft-inclined to make fabulous crafts for your home, nursery, clothing, hosting a party, etc. while on a budget.   Check out their blogs at: Leslie's: www.jarofvintagebuttons.blogspot.com & www.stockpilingmoms.com.

Hope to keep up with the daily posts so that I can keep track of this experience.  Even though it's not always as cheerful as I'd like for it to be, I feel a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders after writing.  I am getting my need to be creative again which I'm soooo happy about.  I even made my girlfriend Jess a pair of earrings for her birthday, something that I haven't been able to do for months!  Things are slowly moving in the right direction.

Peace & Love,
Misty

September 4, 2012

Hi there,
It's been awhile since I've had a chance to really sit and think on what has happened over the last 6 weeks.  I am a full blown mommy in every sense of the word and loving every moment of it.  I can't believe how much Lansing grows and changes every single day.  It's amazing to watch his awareness of his environment enhance...to watch him smile more frequently, see his little arms and legs move vigorously as he coos and looks around the room, and to see him notice the pups for the first time, all of it is priceless.  He loves to sit in our lap and look over our head to stare at a painting on the wall above our couch.  Robert and I wonder what it is that he sees and to think about how that single painting must change for him each day.  I'm sure every parent wonders what it is our little ones are thinking about, dreaming about, experiencing at each moment.  It's one of the biggest thrills of being a mommy.  Lansing is getting more active and getting better at showing us his likes and dislikes, although that too changes rather quickly.  One day he doesn't like his swing, the next day he'll only be happy in his swing.  It's so neat to watch this little being grow into his own person in such a short amount of time.  I can tell he is already familiar and very comfortable with his Grammy's and Grampa G.  I love when they say, "yes that's your mommy, but I'm over here."  I never dreamt that we would all be vying for the attention of this little 9 pound boy who carries all of our hearts in this tiny little hand.  Lansing, you will never know the joy and hope you have given to all of us.  Without you, my world wouldn't be as bright as it is and I would never have the strength I do to carry on with the perseverance that I have.  I'm truly the luckiest woman in the world and wouldn't change one second of it.

As for chemo, I've been receiving treatments on a weekly basis.  Wednesdays are dooms day, but I'm getting through it. Only 5 weeks left.  I've been receiving a booster shot (what I call it anyway) that boosts my immune system/white blood count to ensure I can stay on schedule with my treatments each week.  The shot causes flu like symptoms and makes my bones ache the first couple days after treatment.  I pretty much stay feeling tired, cranky, and nauseous.  I'll be glad when this is all over.  I'm starting to lose my numbness to the grind of it all.  For a long time I just went through the motions doing what I was told trusting it was the best and only option for me.  Now, I still trust it's the best and only option for me but I'm tired of being sick and tired.  I hope when this is all said and done I bounce back very quickly so that I can begin living a full life again.  I feel like a prisoner in my own life and taking care of my little one is my only, wonderful, distraction.  I am losing my patience with myself too.  I think being pregnant I was easier on myself with the things that I didn't like or would make me uneasy because it was for the greater good "to ensure I had a healthy baby."  Now that Lansing is here, I'm not too easy on myself.  I hate having this weight to lose (that won't budge while getting chemo) and although my hair is starting to grow and fill in, it's not fast enough for me.  I'm thinking that if I lay out my feelings, I'll recognize how foolish I'm being and put things back into perspective.  It pains me to feel like I don't recognize the person in the mirror and am not totally sure I'll ever see that person again.  I just wish I could so that I have the second chance to be much nicer to that girl...I was always so harsh and critical of myself.  I know I'm not the only one, we all do these things to ourselves.  But take it from me, until you lose things about yourself that are out of control, only then do you really start to appreciate what you had.  Unfortunately it's true, you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone...I'm going to do better from now on.

I use this forum to vent and in my mind I pretend I'm the only one who will ever read this but the reality is, I hope others do read this and can in some way relate to me and take away something that will add positivity to their lives.  If you are reading this, I ask of you one thing, please ensure you are giving yourself regular breast exams or getting your annual mammograms and urge your loved ones to do the same.  In the last 2 weeks someone very dear to me discovered they too have triple negative breast cancer, stage 1 (thank god).  It was only through the mammogram that she was able to find the cancer and treat it immediately.  We all know someone who has suffered from this stupid, retched disease, so please help you or a loved one catch it early and fight it!

Peace & love,
Misty

Lansing's 1st Photo Shoot

I wanted to spread the love and share Lansing's first photo shoot while at the hospital. It's pretty neat to have a photographer stop in your room, prepare for the photos and mail them directly to your home.  So convenient and much more sophisticated than my single photo in the nursery when I was born.  Enjoy :0)

Peace & Love,
Misty 

Welcome to the World Robert Lansing Porter IV

On Friday, July 20th at 1:35pm, my precious Lansing arrived safe and sound into the arms of Robert and I. Lansing weighed in at 6 lbs, 8 oz., 19 inches long. My life will never be the same, never did I know a happiness this grand. He was wide awake from his first moments and has been showering us with smiles and joy since.

The moments before Lansing's arrival Robert and I were just starring at each other, holding the one hand that I had free.  The blue curtain kept us from seeing what the doctors were doing on the other side. The anaesthesiologist gave Robert the heads up that Lansing was about to make his first appearance so Robert stood up.  I was anxiously starring at him and I could see the anxiety in Robert's face trying to make sure that I was okay and that his baby was going to be okay.  Then I saw the look that I'll never forget, Robert's first glance of Lansing, we both had tearing rolling down our faces and the greatest sense of relief overwhelmed me.  Robert then looked down and said, "He's perfect."  After those first few minutes, it's blurry.  The nurses took Lansing to clean him up and Robert was going back and forth between me and the baby.  The first report back to me was, "He has my hands!" and the second, "Misty, he's adorable, the bluest eyes I've ever seen."  After nearly 5 months of carrying a child and receiving treatment for the cancer I was diagnosed with at 20 weeks of my first pregnancy, I never dreamt in a million years it was possible for me to have a perfectly healthy baby.  To see my baby for the first time and when I asked, is he okay, is everything okay?  And to hear the nurses confirm that he was perfect, I think I almost died of relief.  I think I've been holding my breath for 5 months without acknowledging it to anyone not even myself.  But here I am with my son and not only is he perfect, he's ours and he's happy, peaceful even.  Thank you for the millions of prayers, we felt them. 

I've now officially been a mommy for 6 days.  I feel like my life has been sprinkled with pixie dust because everything is just better.  I never expected motherhood to be easy, but I never expected to enjoy every second of it the way that I do.  Even the sleeplessness is tolerable, you still find yourself giggling at them at 5am when your eyes are crossed preparing his bottle, because he's so ridiculously adorable, funny even and I look forward to those 20 minutes of cuddling while he eats.  Had I known this is what motherhood was like, I'd probably done this a long time ago.  I want to savor every moment, breathe in every scent, watch every facial expression.  I've fallen in love with Robert even more watching him care for us.  He stepped in to his new role as a father so seamlessly.  While in the hospital Robert took over and did everything, it was amazing to watch.  Lansing looks so tiny in Robert's large hands, it's precious how gingerly Robert handles him like he could break.  I'm so blessed for my boys.  Now that I'm home it's been so nice to have all of us together, Robert, Lansing and my wonderful pups Charlie & Roxi. 

We have lots of adjusting to do.   Robert and I have been sleeping in the living room since coming home from the hospital on Monday.  The pups sleep on the chair, Robert on the couch, me in my "sick chair" and Lansing in his nap nanny in his pack-n-play.  I feel like we are camping but it's awesome, did I mention everything is awesome :0).  Hopefully by next week, I'll be able to get around easier so I can go up and down the stairs more and introduce Lansing to his crib and mommy & daddy to our bed again.  It's definitely something we'll laugh about later.

I have 6 days until I start back with chemo full force. I'm going to enjoy every second before then.

 Love to all my family and friends.  Thank you so much for visiting us in the hospital and since we've been home! It was soooo wonderful to have so many of our loved ones shower Lansing with kisses and hugs during his first few days on this earth.  Here are some pictures from our hospital stay and some of Lansing's first experiences since leaving the hospital.

Sweet boy

Proud Mommy

Proud Daddy

Happy baby

Aunt Tessa

Grammy Arnold

Grammy Porter

Uncle Wade & Justin

Porter Grandkids (Patrick, Henry, Abby & Lansing)

View from Hospital Room

On our way home--Crossing bridge to KY 7.23.12

1st doctor's appointment 7.25.12

Peace & Much Love,

Misty

Reflecting

Where to place all the emotions that are filling my head??  I have so many worries about what it's going to be like to have a little guy at home, combined with weekly chemo treatments and trying to remain sane with the fluctuating hormones.  I know how to be pregnant with cancer, but I don't know how to be a mom with cancer.  I have a mantra that I often repeat to myself when I'm overwhelmed even by the simplest tasks like cleaning my house, take one room at a time, or one day at a time, one minute at a time....whatever suites the need at the time.  I'm trying to remind myself of this as I sit and wait for next week.  I've had so much time to myself lately that I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last several months and what not only I've gone through but my family and friends.  It's odd that I'm just now allowing myself to go there, but for the first time, I'm trying to acknowledge what it must be like to be in the shoes of those that are so close to me and what they have had to deal with in this situation.  What is my husband feeling dealing with a wife who has cancer and is carrying his child?  My parents whose child has cancer at 30 and can do nothing to help their child. This hits home more than ever as I approach motherhood.  My dear siblings and friends, what is it like to cope with a sibling or friend who has cancer?  If I try to put myself in their shoes just in thought, I can't breathe.  I don't ever want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.  I know myself and I internalize most situations, so something as profound as this, I would definitely be making it something I would think about on a daily basis, if not more, and see what it is that I'm supposed to be taking from this experience...well, since I'm the one sitting in the hot seat, I'm still trying to figure out this piece of the puzzle.  Why me, what is the big picture, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  I feel like I'm failing to learn any lesson up to this point.  I have been literally living in the moment to try to preserve energy and stay sane so I haven't allowed myself to think too deep about my situation.  There's too much to do, too little time and much too little energy to get everything done in time for Lansing's arrival.  Those first couple of weeks after the diagnosis, the emotions overtake you, the fear can paralyze you, but after treatment starts, you go through the motions.  It's almost numbing, and sort of relieving to have something to just do that is supposed to make it better in the long run.  It's strange how the physical pain has replaced the emotional pain.  I'd much rather have the physical pain these days than the latter.  I'm not that tough, so this is new to me.  I've been fearful that if I really tap into how I "feel" then I might not be able to maintain my positive focus that all is well.  Maybe my ah-ha moment  is something that I'll learn years from now, maybe it's the wonderful people that have come into my life through this experience, or maybe it's the cementing of the existing relationships I've had that are now so much more today than I could have ever imagined before.  Something interesting has happened more than once where I've had someone tell me about a challenging situation they have encountered recently and typically it would be something that they'd waste a lot of energy being upset about even though they do not have the ability to actually change the outcome, but with a quick thought of my situation, they have been able to focus on what they can change/influence and move forward or beyond the challenge.  That's pretty neat, I'm definitely not taking credit for anything, but if my crappy situation can help someone else see the good in theirs, amen.
I will continue to believe in good ole divine timing. I truly believe everything happens just the way it is supposed to, the good, bad and ugly, all of it.  I can't switch up my belief system just because I don't currently like it. But to get to have a miracle in the middle of this mess, has to be divine timing, right?  Who knows where my mental state would have been without being pregnant? 

Enough reflecting for one day, now to pack hospital bags and continue to prepare for the baby! 

Peace & Love,
Misty

The Nursery

Hi there,
It's unbelievable to me that a week from tomorrow I'm going to have a son. I keep going through the waves of emotion that start with pure joy, excitement and thrill and turn directly into pure fear! lol  I'm so ready for Lansing's arrival, yet it's one of those experiences in life that you can only prepare for mentally, logistically, etc. so far and then real life just is going to take over.  So the planner in me has to just move over and embrace the unknown.  It's also strange to have a house full of all these baby items and to wonder what it's going to be like to have a live being using them because right now they seem like props for a fictitious movie or something. 
As much as I can't wait for my baby boy, I have to admit I'm soooo excited to have my body to myself and no chemo for a solid 10 days.  This is something I haven't experienced in a very long time.  Trust me, I've been told every horror story and all the yuck that comes directly after delivering your baby, but for those who haven't been in my shoes, just to worry about one being at a time is going to be glorious.  Or at least I can physically tend to my baby rather than just sitting around worrying about him, not able to do anything for him.  A new chapter is about to begin and I can't believe that it's so close that I can taste it! 

I wanted to post pictures of Lansing's nursery.  I'm not a decorator by any stretch nor a photographer, so bear with me.  I think it's a nice start especially not knowing the little guy.  I wanted to create a fun, relaxing space that he would be comfortable in but not too defining so we can switch it up easily as he gets older and has an opinion of his own.

Lansing's name was made for me by my best friend Leslie. I love how it sets the tone to the room.

My girlfriends each gave a book to Lansing during my first shower..here they are easily accessible and displayed along with several other cubes filled with clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. 
The adorable owl was made by my cousin Clare.
The Texas hat is a memento Robert and I picked up for Lansing to remind us of our trip to MD Anderson and eventually to remind us how far we've come.
The adorable pinwheels were decorations provided by The Sunday Flower (you can find her on Facebook and Etsy).

Bunting Banner provided by Cristin of Hazelnut Designs (find her on Etsy).

My mom got the awesome "Family Rules" sign that I had been eyeballing for months. These are truly the life lessons to live by.

Love the adorable crib, so cute and still perfect for a little boy.
The beautiful blanket was handcrafted by my dear friend Alex.
Bumper is from Land of Nod
Charlie's at the bottom of the picture scoping out the new furniture.

Love the sunshine light fixture, mostly because Robert picked it for the room :0)  Thanks Dad for installing!

Peace & Love,

Misty