Welcome to the World Robert Lansing Porter IV

On Friday, July 20th at 1:35pm, my precious Lansing arrived safe and sound into the arms of Robert and I. Lansing weighed in at 6 lbs, 8 oz., 19 inches long. My life will never be the same, never did I know a happiness this grand. He was wide awake from his first moments and has been showering us with smiles and joy since.

The moments before Lansing's arrival Robert and I were just starring at each other, holding the one hand that I had free.  The blue curtain kept us from seeing what the doctors were doing on the other side. The anaesthesiologist gave Robert the heads up that Lansing was about to make his first appearance so Robert stood up.  I was anxiously starring at him and I could see the anxiety in Robert's face trying to make sure that I was okay and that his baby was going to be okay.  Then I saw the look that I'll never forget, Robert's first glance of Lansing, we both had tearing rolling down our faces and the greatest sense of relief overwhelmed me.  Robert then looked down and said, "He's perfect."  After those first few minutes, it's blurry.  The nurses took Lansing to clean him up and Robert was going back and forth between me and the baby.  The first report back to me was, "He has my hands!" and the second, "Misty, he's adorable, the bluest eyes I've ever seen."  After nearly 5 months of carrying a child and receiving treatment for the cancer I was diagnosed with at 20 weeks of my first pregnancy, I never dreamt in a million years it was possible for me to have a perfectly healthy baby.  To see my baby for the first time and when I asked, is he okay, is everything okay?  And to hear the nurses confirm that he was perfect, I think I almost died of relief.  I think I've been holding my breath for 5 months without acknowledging it to anyone not even myself.  But here I am with my son and not only is he perfect, he's ours and he's happy, peaceful even.  Thank you for the millions of prayers, we felt them. 

I've now officially been a mommy for 6 days.  I feel like my life has been sprinkled with pixie dust because everything is just better.  I never expected motherhood to be easy, but I never expected to enjoy every second of it the way that I do.  Even the sleeplessness is tolerable, you still find yourself giggling at them at 5am when your eyes are crossed preparing his bottle, because he's so ridiculously adorable, funny even and I look forward to those 20 minutes of cuddling while he eats.  Had I known this is what motherhood was like, I'd probably done this a long time ago.  I want to savor every moment, breathe in every scent, watch every facial expression.  I've fallen in love with Robert even more watching him care for us.  He stepped in to his new role as a father so seamlessly.  While in the hospital Robert took over and did everything, it was amazing to watch.  Lansing looks so tiny in Robert's large hands, it's precious how gingerly Robert handles him like he could break.  I'm so blessed for my boys.  Now that I'm home it's been so nice to have all of us together, Robert, Lansing and my wonderful pups Charlie & Roxi. 

We have lots of adjusting to do.   Robert and I have been sleeping in the living room since coming home from the hospital on Monday.  The pups sleep on the chair, Robert on the couch, me in my "sick chair" and Lansing in his nap nanny in his pack-n-play.  I feel like we are camping but it's awesome, did I mention everything is awesome :0).  Hopefully by next week, I'll be able to get around easier so I can go up and down the stairs more and introduce Lansing to his crib and mommy & daddy to our bed again.  It's definitely something we'll laugh about later.

I have 6 days until I start back with chemo full force. I'm going to enjoy every second before then.

 Love to all my family and friends.  Thank you so much for visiting us in the hospital and since we've been home! It was soooo wonderful to have so many of our loved ones shower Lansing with kisses and hugs during his first few days on this earth.  Here are some pictures from our hospital stay and some of Lansing's first experiences since leaving the hospital.

Sweet boy

Proud Mommy

Proud Daddy

Happy baby

Aunt Tessa

Grammy Arnold

Grammy Porter

Uncle Wade & Justin

Porter Grandkids (Patrick, Henry, Abby & Lansing)

View from Hospital Room

On our way home--Crossing bridge to KY 7.23.12

1st doctor's appointment 7.25.12

Peace & Much Love,

Misty

Reflecting

Where to place all the emotions that are filling my head??  I have so many worries about what it's going to be like to have a little guy at home, combined with weekly chemo treatments and trying to remain sane with the fluctuating hormones.  I know how to be pregnant with cancer, but I don't know how to be a mom with cancer.  I have a mantra that I often repeat to myself when I'm overwhelmed even by the simplest tasks like cleaning my house, take one room at a time, or one day at a time, one minute at a time....whatever suites the need at the time.  I'm trying to remind myself of this as I sit and wait for next week.  I've had so much time to myself lately that I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last several months and what not only I've gone through but my family and friends.  It's odd that I'm just now allowing myself to go there, but for the first time, I'm trying to acknowledge what it must be like to be in the shoes of those that are so close to me and what they have had to deal with in this situation.  What is my husband feeling dealing with a wife who has cancer and is carrying his child?  My parents whose child has cancer at 30 and can do nothing to help their child. This hits home more than ever as I approach motherhood.  My dear siblings and friends, what is it like to cope with a sibling or friend who has cancer?  If I try to put myself in their shoes just in thought, I can't breathe.  I don't ever want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.  I know myself and I internalize most situations, so something as profound as this, I would definitely be making it something I would think about on a daily basis, if not more, and see what it is that I'm supposed to be taking from this experience...well, since I'm the one sitting in the hot seat, I'm still trying to figure out this piece of the puzzle.  Why me, what is the big picture, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  I feel like I'm failing to learn any lesson up to this point.  I have been literally living in the moment to try to preserve energy and stay sane so I haven't allowed myself to think too deep about my situation.  There's too much to do, too little time and much too little energy to get everything done in time for Lansing's arrival.  Those first couple of weeks after the diagnosis, the emotions overtake you, the fear can paralyze you, but after treatment starts, you go through the motions.  It's almost numbing, and sort of relieving to have something to just do that is supposed to make it better in the long run.  It's strange how the physical pain has replaced the emotional pain.  I'd much rather have the physical pain these days than the latter.  I'm not that tough, so this is new to me.  I've been fearful that if I really tap into how I "feel" then I might not be able to maintain my positive focus that all is well.  Maybe my ah-ha moment  is something that I'll learn years from now, maybe it's the wonderful people that have come into my life through this experience, or maybe it's the cementing of the existing relationships I've had that are now so much more today than I could have ever imagined before.  Something interesting has happened more than once where I've had someone tell me about a challenging situation they have encountered recently and typically it would be something that they'd waste a lot of energy being upset about even though they do not have the ability to actually change the outcome, but with a quick thought of my situation, they have been able to focus on what they can change/influence and move forward or beyond the challenge.  That's pretty neat, I'm definitely not taking credit for anything, but if my crappy situation can help someone else see the good in theirs, amen.
I will continue to believe in good ole divine timing. I truly believe everything happens just the way it is supposed to, the good, bad and ugly, all of it.  I can't switch up my belief system just because I don't currently like it. But to get to have a miracle in the middle of this mess, has to be divine timing, right?  Who knows where my mental state would have been without being pregnant? 

Enough reflecting for one day, now to pack hospital bags and continue to prepare for the baby! 

Peace & Love,
Misty

The Nursery

Hi there,
It's unbelievable to me that a week from tomorrow I'm going to have a son. I keep going through the waves of emotion that start with pure joy, excitement and thrill and turn directly into pure fear! lol  I'm so ready for Lansing's arrival, yet it's one of those experiences in life that you can only prepare for mentally, logistically, etc. so far and then real life just is going to take over.  So the planner in me has to just move over and embrace the unknown.  It's also strange to have a house full of all these baby items and to wonder what it's going to be like to have a live being using them because right now they seem like props for a fictitious movie or something. 
As much as I can't wait for my baby boy, I have to admit I'm soooo excited to have my body to myself and no chemo for a solid 10 days.  This is something I haven't experienced in a very long time.  Trust me, I've been told every horror story and all the yuck that comes directly after delivering your baby, but for those who haven't been in my shoes, just to worry about one being at a time is going to be glorious.  Or at least I can physically tend to my baby rather than just sitting around worrying about him, not able to do anything for him.  A new chapter is about to begin and I can't believe that it's so close that I can taste it! 

I wanted to post pictures of Lansing's nursery.  I'm not a decorator by any stretch nor a photographer, so bear with me.  I think it's a nice start especially not knowing the little guy.  I wanted to create a fun, relaxing space that he would be comfortable in but not too defining so we can switch it up easily as he gets older and has an opinion of his own.

Lansing's name was made for me by my best friend Leslie. I love how it sets the tone to the room.

My girlfriends each gave a book to Lansing during my first shower..here they are easily accessible and displayed along with several other cubes filled with clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. 
The adorable owl was made by my cousin Clare.
The Texas hat is a memento Robert and I picked up for Lansing to remind us of our trip to MD Anderson and eventually to remind us how far we've come.
The adorable pinwheels were decorations provided by The Sunday Flower (you can find her on Facebook and Etsy).

Bunting Banner provided by Cristin of Hazelnut Designs (find her on Etsy).

My mom got the awesome "Family Rules" sign that I had been eyeballing for months. These are truly the life lessons to live by.

Love the adorable crib, so cute and still perfect for a little boy.
The beautiful blanket was handcrafted by my dear friend Alex.
Bumper is from Land of Nod
Charlie's at the bottom of the picture scoping out the new furniture.

Love the sunshine light fixture, mostly because Robert picked it for the room :0)  Thanks Dad for installing!

Peace & Love,

Misty

Catch up...New Treatment

Hi there,
It's been far too long so we'll see where this goes, may need to break up my update into several posts.  I began my new treatment last wednesday with Taxol.  With my spirits in the right place, I was hoping for the best, but Taxol kicked my bootie and I was bed ridden until Saturday.  This new drug has much different side effects than what I was used to with the AC and I think being as pregnant as I am, really takes a toll on my ability to rebound.  I was lethargic and achy from my head to my toes and nothing could ease the pain or provide relief.  Literally staying in bed was all I could do.  Thank goodness for my husband who waited on me hand and foot because I was worthless.  With it being my first treatment, I think a little panic struck because I didn't know how long it was going to last.  I started feeling more like myself by Sunday, and by Monday and Tuesday I was feeling stronger and stronger.  Thank heavens I felt better by Sunday so I could enjoy some much needed family time.  My loving Aunts threw me my family baby shower.  It was so nice to spend time with family, share stories, and get tips as I embark on mommyhood from the women who know best and helped shape me into the person I am today. Thank you to all Aunts, Cousins, Grama and of course my mom for celebrating Lansing's arrival.  I'll never forget Sunday and appreciate all the efforts you put into making the day so beautiful and fun.  A special thank you to little Reese who helped me open all my gifts, I couldn't have done it without you!

Only 23 days until Lansing arrives and boy am I feeling the pressure both methaphorically and physically.  You should see my hands and feet these days, they look like something out of a cartoon.  I'm lucky it's summer because I'd be wearing flip flops even if it was 20 below because nothing else will fit.  The only "thin" body part that remained is no longer. ;0)  On the bright side of growing beyond what I thought physically possible, my boy at 34 weeks weighs in at a whopping 5lbs 14ozs and according to the lady who did the ultrasound, Lansing already has a full head of hair!  I can't wait to meet my boy and this hair she speaks of!  My mom has her bets that he's a blonde, I'm hoping for a redhead like my baby brother, but Robert and I think he'll be a burnette.  What do you think?

Finally, there have been some beautifully written posts documenting the baby shower thrown in mine and Lansing's honor by my best friend that include some awesome DIY projects.  Check out  http://www.pnpflowersinc.com/2012/06/inspire-real-party-baby-shower-hosted.html and http://mirabellecreations.blogspot.com/2012/06/real-parties-poignant-pinwheel-baby.html

I'm off to get my second treatment of Taxol today.  I'm going to really try to make a good effort to document what I'm going through so that I can recall this experience.  The good news is, it's my last treatment until Lansing arrives so even if it's rough recovery, I'll get a couple weeks to myself before I embark on the final 10 weeks of the dreaded Taxol.  Wish me luck! 

Peace & Love,
Misty

Baby Shower with my Girlfriends

Hi Friends,
I've added pictures of my first baby shower!  It was such a beautiful day and a huge boost to my excitement for becoming a mommy. 

Rejuvenated is the first thought that comes to mind. I had a really tough couple days following my last treatment and could not have asked for a better way to turn things around. My best friend Leslie invited my best friends in the world and together we laughed, ate tons of yummy food, and I was spoiled with the most adorable, thoughtful gifts. I haven't been this excited about being a mommy until now. Today made it all so real to me. I have been reminded time and time again of this amazing support system I have, but to have the ladies help me prepare for my baby boy just gives me a confidence I didn't realize I was lacking and longing for. I cannot wait to share pictures of the beautiful decorations (that I'm lucky enough to get to put in Lansing's nursery), the beautiful ladies and the wonderful gifts!

The Hostess with the Mostess!

Leslie, you have been my rock since I was 13. Thank you for giving me this day and for making it so happy and amazing! I had so much fun! I loved getting to spend real girl time with you and all my favorite people. I really don't have the words to tell you how thankful I am. The food was delicious and very Misty-esque:-) I LOVED everything!
I will have much more to share as soon as I have the pictures. I want to hug each of you all over again just so you don't forget how much I adore you!! Thank you for bringing so much love and light into my life!
Soooo full of love and gratitude,
Misty

Baby Bump

The Ladies :o)

Bridget and me

Welcome to the World Lansing!  This book has cards from each of my friends telling Lansing a special something they wanted to share with him.  This book is something I'll cherish forever.

Kelli, Tosh, Shannon, Me, Amy, Preston (keeping the ladies in line)

Party Favors

Yummy Spread

Round IV

Hi there,
Keeping up with my treatment plan, here's my latest update. Yesterday was my final treatment for the "AC."  I had 4 rounds every three weeks since my diagnosis.  My final PICC line!  I had removed early, because it was really painful this time.  They weren't able to use the same vessel that was used the last three times, so they used a smaller vessel and it was not pleasant.  I couldn't move my arm the day I got it, but now that's it's removed, I'm doing much better.  This last treatment has been a lot harder on me.  I'm not violently ill or anything just feel like I've been hit by a truck and really moody and groggy.  I guess this is what I should expect since I'm getting more pregnant along with the chemo building up in my system.  For someone that has zero patience, this is a true test for me.  I'm getting more antsy and trying to knock the nerves of becoming a mommy and trying to understand that I have a long road ahead of me with my treatment is wearing on me.  I have many things to look forward to, so I'm trying to be positive and focus on those pleasantries, but I'll admit it's not always easy.  Please remember that I write this blog as my personal diary to remember my experience.  I'm willing to share this with those who read it as a window into the life of someone dealing with real issues that aren't too common for most, but could help just one person.  With that said, I'm going to share a story of a situation I experienced yesterday that was unpleasant and has been weighing on me. By no means, am I sharing to get sympathy from the world, just expressing myself to get relief that I have dealt with it...yesterday while waiting in the waiting room to receive my final "AC" treatment which is a pretty big milestone for me (a good milestone), my mom and I are just chit chatting about whatever passing the time while we wait.  This woman in the waiting room whom I've seen before interrupted us and asked how old I was because she observed I looked fairly young.  I told her I was 30.  She proceeded to ask if I had "it" in my breast, to which I responded yes and she asked what was feeding it, meaning what hormone, if any, to which I answered I'm triple negative so we don't know what's feeding the cancer.  She then explained that she too had triple negative breast cancer had been diagnosed the first time at 34, was now 38 and is receiving chemo and radiation for the 4th time to treat the same cancer that has returned FOUR flipping times now.  I just about bust out crying right then and there.  Here I'm thinking I'm done with phase one in just a couple of hours and then all of sudden my mind is swimming with this horrific thought that THIS could be my life over and over again.....it takes a lot to get in my head to where I cannot shake something, but this was the wrong time and place.  I could tell my mom wanted to physically close the woman's mouth from talking so we didn't hear anymore of what she had to say, I on the other hand kept with the questions.  To be honest, I have no idea what she had to say after a certain point, but I have been in a state of shock since.  I will end this story with saying that I'm allowing myself a day for self pity and then I'll get back to reality, MY REALITY, which is my treatment plan is going to work and I'm going to be fine. I just have to think that for some reason I was supposed to hear what this woman had to say, why else would that conversation take place?  Anyway, feeling like crap today isn't helping me much, but this too shall pass.  Anyway, back to my future steps to getting better....I'll have two weeks to get my blood counts back up and then start my new cocktail called Taxol of which I'll have a total of 12 treatments on a weekly basis.  By having the weekly treatments, I'll be able to take it in much smaller dosages with hopes to keep my blood counts from plummeting and hopefully they won't be so hard on my system overall. The greatest part to the Taxol, no more PICC lines.  In prep for the baby's arrival, I'll have just 2 treatments of Taxol on a weekly basis and then I'll begin my 4 week "rest" period and deliver baby Lansing.  I really can't believe how close we are to having our little miracle here in our arms.  I'm ready to have him here with us to give us laughter and light.  On the other hand, I freak out that I am so unprepared with all the baby "stuff" that we still need and learn how to use, etc.  It's something that I'm sure all first time parents think about, it's just funny that it's now our turn.  Thank heavens for my first baby shower this weekend.  It's with my closest girlfriends and I definitely need the time with girls to get my spirits up and feel like my old self. 
Peace & Love,
Misty

Memorial Day Weekend

Happy Friday!

Pups watching TV

I'm sitting here with my pups and so envious of the many posts on Facebook of friends slowly arriving to Cumberland Lake....awwwww what I would do to be there. It's the first time since I can remember that this weekend doesn't mean too much to me because we can't participate in the festivities that this weekend usually means for us.  We actually don't have any plans, so strange.  Planning for our pregnancy was critical to allow for me to have at least a smidget of summer sans pregnancy so I could enjoy my very favorite past time, boating.  Of course this was back in the day when we thought we had a little more control over our lives.  Please friends, continue to post all your beautiful pictures of the lake so I can live vicariously through you! :0)  I know it won't be long until I can participate again, but it stinks not being able to go.  This feels much the same as missing out on Keeneland...trust me, I know my favorite things but I don't realize just how much I love my favorite things to do until some things in my life were placed on hold.  My new mantra: Just think how sweet it will be when I get to push "play" again and start the ride all over. 

Thank you to so many of you who checked out my post about the Benefit. I've added more pictures to that post and would like to recommend that you take a minute to read my best friend's blog.  Leslie has shared her personal experience of the Benefit via her posted.  I think it's so neat to get a feel of the event through her perspective...go to www.jarofvintagebuttons.blogspot.com and let me know what you think!

On Wednesday evening, my mom, Robert and I all worked to get the nursery more established.  Let's be honest, I watched my mom and Robert work on putting furniture together and we still haven't finished.  I'm thinking this is probably what Robert and I will be spending most of the weekend doing. Our little monkey is going to be here in less than 8 weeks at this point which is unbelievable and so exciting to me!  By setting up the nursery, there's been a lot of rearranging going on in the Porter household, but all in all, it's looking good.  I can tell I'm in the nesting mode.  Wish I had more strength and energy to actually get things done myself, but instead I have to supervise.  Thank you Robert and Mom for all your help (Dad, I'll go ahead and thank you because we need your help now that you're back in town).  Once the nursery is looking like a nursery, I'll definitely post pictures!

Have a great weekend everyone!  Enjoy the beautiful sunshine & 3 day weekend!

Peace & Love,
Misty