Thursday, April 12, 2012
Hi there,Today is a day where I don't have a million things going on or to "get done" so my mind is swimming with unpleasant thoughts, or thoughts I don't want to face. Instead of just feeling like a bottle about to explode, I'm going to unleash my thoughts on here, afterall this is why I've created a blog to begin with. I'm leaving these thoughts, feelings here so I can get back to normalcy. So last Wednesday my oncologist had explained that by day 16 or 17 post my first chemo treatment my hair will begin to fall out pretty rapidly. That brings us to today. My Aunt Linda had explained that my scalp will get tender right before this process begins and that I'll know when it's happening. Well, it's happening. I think all women know what I mean when I say a hair headache, when you've had your hair in a too tight of a pony tail for too long and your head aches. That's what it feels like. This hurts my heart because I can "feel" healthy or be as positive as I want to be and this crap is still going to happen whether I want it to or not. Willpower can only get me so far apparently. I've noticed several locks of hair near the shower drain over the last week and I have honestly thought, poor Robert is losing his hair....what the heck is wrong with my brain! It made me laugh when I first realized how silly and protective my mind is being, but now I'm sad for myself that I'm truly, and happily, in denial from the emotional toll I'm embarking upon. I have cut my hair, I have scarves and a wig ready to go, but the act of using these things in lieu of what I'm used to is still so odd to me. I have had so many people give me the sweetest compliments on my new hair cut and I'll be honest and say, each time I think, it's not by choice...not what I want. The hair process is really just a gigantic symbol of your illness. It's the staple of cancer and tells everyone without a single word that you're sick. This is what I hate about losing my hair. Trust me, I know it's only hair and it'll come back. It's just frustrating to know for a month now that your battling something, but even after a month, you've only just begun the challenge. If you ask my mom, I've always wanted to be far older than my years and I believe it's so that I could have full control over my life, my decisions, avoiding things that make me uncomfortable, etc. Well this cancer thing isn't following my rules and taking me to many places, making me do many things that I'm not too fond of, nor pleased about. I'm sure my anxieties are high anticipating what next week will bring. I know I can do it, I will do it, but knowing that it's going to hurt (stupid PICC line) and the unknown of what symptoms it's going to bring out this time puts me in a foul mood. After I posted about the upcoming benefit, I had a flood of messages pour in from friends and family from all over and from a long time ago. Thank you for reaching out to me and taking time to let me know that you care for me and my family. It's unbelievable the amount of love people have and are so ready to share with us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.